The Movie Meals We Eat In Our Sleep: The 'Hook' NeverFeast
Tinkerbell fire hazards, diabetic Lost Children, and Peter Pansian geopolitics. Shot-by-shot commentary to ruin your favorite childhood movies.
You know, Jon, how are you gonna become the greatest wilderness voice since Paul Bunyan if you don’t have a post ready every Friday morning at 10 a.m.?
I’m working at it, dude. I work two jobs—calm down.
So, what are you gonna write this week?
Didn’t I just say ‘calm down?’ I don’t know. I can write about movies but that’s so off-brand from Stomp’s world.
You are your brand. Your voice is a brand. Nobody writes an emotionally abandoned sasquatch-with-a-gentle-heart like you do.
Aw, thanks, Ego.
So…you got an idea?
Yeah, I’ve got an idea.
You think people will like it?
Doesn’t matter. I like it.
Then let’s do it up.
Volume 1. - The Hook NeverFeast
My goodness, feast analysis scholars across the land have studied the Hook NeverFeast since ’91 and still haven’t fully digested this colorful table of jungle orphan wonderment. Well, I’m here now - a proper Hook scholar is in the building. Let us break down this joyous feast with the sharpened eye of a Eurasian Sparrowhawk.
First off, the little red-haired Charles Dickens-like orphan child gets into an argument with Robin Williams about silverware. This is really a moot argument. You can see the two kids next to the froofy-hair kid saying to each other:
“If this Never-food don’t show up quick, we gobble the little one first.”
The ambiance at the Never-feast – absolutely delectable. Candlelit. A wonderful jungle backdrop. This is a feast designed to make a child viewer in a secure home leave impulsively for the first steamer ship to Bornia.
Hook Never-scholars have long debated what was served at this feast before Peter Pan Believed and the food became un-imaginary. In this rain-drenched tropical biome at altitude, it’s likely that these child laborers grew imaginary crops like chayote squash, jicama, raw cocoa, and of course, Never cabbage. Peter Pansian academics often point to the imaginary nature of the food as reasons why these crop fiends were able to tolerate a vegetable-heavy diet. But the geopolitics of the region were fierce – it’s a well-known fact that Captain Hook was quietly cornering the produce market and only drove the Lost Boys out to capture the richest soil in Neverland.
We never actually see Tinkerbell eat during the Neverfeast, although it’s widely speculated that a mature Tinkerbell would likely subsist on a diet of digestible grains, corn, and Whole Foods pre-packaged chia seeds.
I want to point out that Tink’s abode is absolutely a fire hazard. She lives with her translucent, flammable wings mere inches from an open flame. No fire alarms. Clearly a carbon monoxide threat. The on-set handlers clearly did not understand sprite safety and this is why each year, dozens of fairies burn up in their lanterns and reincarnate as glowing magic beans.
Notice this Lost Boy’s face when Rufeo refers to Peter Pan as a “fart factory.”
In the background, you can see some of the rocky outcrops of Neverland’s famous Mermaid Lagoon. Mermaids are notorious breakfast fiends, and leaked crew stories say that the Merfolk would gather on shore, barking like sea lions, and wouldn’t leave until they were fed upwards of sixty pounds of pancakes.
We watch the whole Neverfeast only to find out the Lost Boys have been living off of rainbow sherbet?! Diabetics, all of them.
Notice in the upper left – the smoothed glass-like orbs filled with colors of the sea. These are stork eggs, probably harvested by the Lost Boys from Mermaid Lagoon. The children raid stork nests and crack them open and slurp the yolks like mussels. Sometimes on a full moon, passing sailors can hear the storks’ “Ca-caw ca-caw!” echo across the water, as they cry out for their unhatched delicacies.
I’ve seen Hook 200 times and never noticed this – some magically brilliant set designer carved “Chudbutt” into the block of cheese. Wonderful flatulent humor.
Both of these Lost Boys are kind of looking on suspiciously at whatever Robin Williams just drank from that goblet. One can only imagine that it was authentic Mermilk. Or seagull poop.
Just look at those wings. So flammable. She is the Hindenberg of Neverland.
I Imagine Robin Williams was genuinely joyous during this food fight scene to get pelted with food goop. No, he wasn’t a writer, but a creative inspiration for me anyway as a person who knew expression is life.
“You’re only given a little spark of madness. If you lose that, you’re nothin’…Don’t ever lose that ‘cause it keeps you alive.” – Robin Williams, 1978 (HBO’s Off the Wall special).
You did it, Jon.
What did I do?
You did the writing thing. How do you feel?
Like I need to get out of my head and get some nature.
I step away from my laptop and walk outside. I get in my car and drive to some woods along the Perkiomen Creek. I walk quietly through the July foliage. A pair of Arctic penguins sled down through a snowslope into the muggy ferns. A Mermaid splashes in the mucky brackish creek and climbs out onto a rock with a pancake.
I can hear a ship’s bell echo across the water, and I know I never left.
I’m so glad you came along for this piece of 90s Peter Pansian adventure. If you’d like to support Stomp Roams, you can share the story or tap that little “subscribe” button. Learn more about the author at www.jonathandelp.com or follow @ljacktwain.
